Well hell....

Wow well I am frustrated with myself. Not for any particular reason either. I just want to know why I haven't done what I needed yet. I don't feel that I am the person that I want to be, and it is really annoying me. I know what kind of person I want to be I just haven't been able to pull it off. The problem isn't that I don't know how to be that person, it is that I haven't got the will power to be that person. I know what I need to do and who I need to become to be that person and yet I find myself lost and unable to bring myself to the next level. I have all the tools even. I know better than most how to make a better me, and that is half out of luck as it is. I know all I must do and how to do it, now I just have to act, which is the hardest part of all. Knowing is the easy part, as it always is, but acting is the part where we all get hung up on and lose a part of our self. Just act.

Light

There is a pressure that consumes all and takes all. It is indestructible and will never die. It will always be present. It will always destroy. It has all-consuming power. It will destroy you if you posses it, and it will take no prisoners. It is darkness. It is deceit. It is hate. It is forever. It is evil. There is one exception to this ever destroying entity, light. We have the power within us to keep back the darkness, to keep it at bay. It is within us to be a light. We are what the darkness feeds on, but we are also the bane of the darkness. It cannot exist where there is light, where there is goodness. It has no power over the light we all hold in us. It is our decision to show that light or to cover the light and bring the blackness. Goodness is the window to let the light of Christ into our life. Through service we let the light of Christ into ours and those around us lives. We are the window to heaven where the is no other way to reach Godliness. We have that power. To bring heaven and angels to earth and make this mortal sphere our own heaven. It may not be perfect and heaven but it the step we must all take in the never ending existence of progression. There is no way around it. We must bring the love of God which is Christ to the earth through our actions to obtain a celestial being. This is the point of our life on earth, to become all that we can and show our Lord that we are willing and able to progress and become all.

I feel so conflicted and hurt all the time. It is so frustrating. I can barely stand it. I don't really know what I am saying I just know I cant hold it in anymore. I feel as if I am going to explode and become part of the cosmos. I feel as if my body is rejecting my heart and my heart is fighting back and I am the one who gets the feeling of pain. I want to do whats right for everyone but I cant, it seems. I can only do so much. I can only help someone so much and be there for them so much. I know its not fair to them or to me but what can you do when there are so many things asked of you? I want to be helpful to those who are hurt but when you have to be in absolute control it is hard. I cant let the part of me win who would turn around and hurt someone else. There is a battle in me between two very equal parts. One part is a fiercer fighter but the other is a bigger and uses that size to keep the smaller part down. If I could just align these two factions of my being then I could be at peace, but there seems to be no peace. It has eluded me for so long that I feel it will never come and I will eventually be an old man who never knows what would have made him peaceful. I am so sorry to all those I have hurt and continue to hurt. If there was a way to make everyone happy I would. If only to appease my selfish desire for peace and happiness. I am sorry.

Understand

Why cant anyone understand what is going on? Why cant people see into every ones intents and decide if what they do is selfish or unjust? How could things be unequal then? How could we not see good people and gather around them knowing that whatever they do it will be for our good or for the good of all. Is this what makes God a god? Is it his ability to know why people do things? Is it to always do the right for all even if that hurts an individual? Is it his calculating ability to plan out all that is going to happen and make it so? I so wish that I could show people my intentions and let them know I try hard to do things that seem fair. Fair to all. But we really cant do that. We cant know what is going to happen so we cant do what is best for all. We just cant do what will bring everyone happiness in the end. We can only do what we feel will bring us happiness. True happiness not this fake feeling that is ever fleeting that leaves us craving more. Not that happiness but the happiness that never leaves us wanting but always stays feeling enough and feeling full. This is what we need and it will never happen unless we can ask with a sincere heart what is fair to me and fair to my God. I never intend to be unfair but only to do what will make me and my God happy.
In this life there is no unwavering happiness. Everything is fleeting but one. That is peace. Peace is the only thing that we can have that is ours and cant be taken away. Peace that we have done what is right and that what we are is who we are supposed to be. Even that isn't how we can obtain peace. We can just go to the road that God has created for us and follow it and we will have peace. Always moving forward with faith. Moving to godliness. That is peace. And through faith we have peace.
Sometimes we lose sight of that, and we have to rectify our mistake, even at the cost of others. That is the price of losing that path. We lose the right to have what we want for a time. Until we can faithfully say that our will is Gods will we cant have everything we want.

Open Our Eyes

Do you know what bugs me? I am tired of people loosing priority. My self especially. When you ask yourself what is the most important thing to you, what is your answer? Is it sports, is it playing, is it friends, religion, and etc... I am not sure what the most important thing to me is right now, but I know the most important thing should be. I think that it is the other people around us. We neglect those around us so often. We are thoughtless of their feelings and we are forgetful of their want and needs. They are what really matter. We spend so much time wishing we were somewhere else or wanting to know about the celestial cosmos. We look so much at what is around us that we loose sight of who is around around us. We need to look to them first. We need to see them for who they are and try and help them best we can. Mankind with all its intellect and knowledge cannot free ourselves from our worst vices. We are continually making life harder for those around us and therefore making life harder for ourselves. Why do we do that? What driving force is so powerful that it causes us to be greedy and forget those we love and those who need help? I am definitely a sufferer from these problems of man. If everyone could forget themselves as an individual and remember themselves as a race of all man and all creation the world would never be the same. We would not have wars. We would not have hunger. We would not have the pain of suffering earth beneath our feet. We ask ourselves why the Lord would let such things happen, and why there is evil in the world. What we should ask is why does man let such things happen? Why cant we ascend to a level of living where we see the earth and its resources not as mine but as ours? When will we stop causing the pain and the suffering of others for the momentary pleasure of ourselves? When will we forget ourselves and see humanity.

Just Love

Have you ever been way over protective of someone? You don't mean to its just that someone you love has been hurt, and you suddenly feel that you need to make sure that they never get hurt again no matter how serious (or unserious) the original injury was? I feel that I need to do that. I know that it probably wont help and it might even make things worse but it is so scary when someone you love is either in danger or just out of danger. It feels like no matter what you do nothing will help and you have no control. I feel bad when I do this. It just makes things harder for both people and then they just feel like you are trying to control their lives but you aren't trying to control their lives, you are trying to protect their lives. Trying to protect the life that means everything to you. You don't even want to change that life you just want to take out the parts of their life that can hurt them, and even then you don't want to do that it just feels that unless it does go away you will never rest easy, but of course you probably will never rest easy anyway. Something can always hurt and someone can always be hurt. We all are in danger, so I guess what I am trying to say is that the best thing for people to do in a situation like this is just love and always be there to help them stand up when they have fallen, help them do what they really want to do and love them for it.

Sorry if this seems out of whack and hard to understand. I was just saying what came to my head and most of the time what comes to my head doesn't make to much sense.

Graduated!!!

Well I graduated. That's pretty cool. It so long and I wish that I could have worked harder. I would have done a lot lot better if I would have just applied myself and then maybe I would get a scholarship to a good university, but with how things are I will just have to work harder. I can do it though. I have to show people that I can get things done and I can do them well. I feel that people don't really have faith in me when it comes to that. They don't think that I will do a good job on my own even if I am capable. Anyway I guess that I will just have to show them what I can do, and one day I know that I will be able to look back and say that I did good and that I have done what I can to make my family happy and content because in the end, that is all that truly matters, that your family is safe and at peace. Well I have to go now. I have some other things I would like to blog but that will probably be at a later date.