I feel so conflicted and hurt all the time. It is so frustrating. I can barely stand it. I don't really know what I am saying I just know I cant hold it in anymore. I feel as if I am going to explode and become part of the cosmos. I feel as if my body is rejecting my heart and my heart is fighting back and I am the one who gets the feeling of pain. I want to do whats right for everyone but I cant, it seems. I can only do so much. I can only help someone so much and be there for them so much. I know its not fair to them or to me but what can you do when there are so many things asked of you? I want to be helpful to those who are hurt but when you have to be in absolute control it is hard. I cant let the part of me win who would turn around and hurt someone else. There is a battle in me between two very equal parts. One part is a fiercer fighter but the other is a bigger and uses that size to keep the smaller part down. If I could just align these two factions of my being then I could be at peace, but there seems to be no peace. It has eluded me for so long that I feel it will never come and I will eventually be an old man who never knows what would have made him peaceful. I am so sorry to all those I have hurt and continue to hurt. If there was a way to make everyone happy I would. If only to appease my selfish desire for peace and happiness. I am sorry.