I am not a blogger...

I really don't have much to say in this one.  I have just gotten back from my mission, and things have been going pretty good, but one thing has been hard.  I decided that I hate being the new kid in anything.  It's not so much that I feel awkward around other people.  The problem arises because of the groups of people.  When I am with a group that has been friends for a long time and know each other well, I feel out of place with nothing to say.  They have all of their inside jokes, and their past experiences that they talk about, and I know nothing about what they are talking about, so I have to just sit there and listen.  That does make me feel a bit awkward I guess.  I love talking to people one on one, but I feel that I have to get to know someone first before I can just jump in and ask them to do something with me.  Anyway, I don't really know where I was going with that.  I am just a bit frustrated with my current circumstance being mainly that I have no friends.  Its frustrating.  Welp, I have nothing else to say, and I probably wont get back on this for quite some time, so with Jacob I bid thee adieu.  :)

A Puzzle

My current girlfriend(we'll call her girl one) once compared me to a puzzle. She felt that when she met me my puzzle was very jumbled and a mess and that she had helped me put it together and she was seeing me for who I actually was. I then did something strange to me now, I left her for someone else(girl two). I felt that girl one had done everything she could for me and it was time to move on or I would be stuck in a relationship that wasn't going to be right for me. In essence I didn't see how girl one could be in the end of my puzzle, so I went after someone else and we started dating. We had a good time and I had fun. We did fun things. We had good times and overall it felt like a good relationship, but there felt like something wasn't right. At the time I just thought it was because it was a new relationship and that the feelings were going to pass, but they didn't. And as I became more and more apprehensive about what was happening a funny thing seemed to just plop down into my puzzle. I found a peace of the puzzle that was hidden to me and I feel that it could only have been shown through what had happened. I saw that my ex girlfriend was what my puzzle was. It was focused and centered on her. The peace showed me that my life puzzle was empty without this person whom made it whole. I couldn't believe it, and I didn't know what to do. I immediately decided I had to break up with girl two and I did. Then I went back to girl one, hoping against all hope that she would take me back, and she did! I couldn't believe it. My puzzle, although definitely not complete, made sense again and I felt that I could begin to make the picture I wanted with the person I wanted and needed.


Girl One this my not help you, but I want you to know that this is how I feel. I cant imagine being without you and if my end puzzle has you as the focus I will never stop thanking my Lord that he could be so gracious as to let a man like me have a wonderful beautiful Woman like you. Thank you for always being there and for showing me love when I didn't always deserve it. I love you so much.

Do you...

I stretch myself across the world
Pushing my limits
For your entertainment and
You had the nerve
To call out my weakness and
drag me through the dirt
Do you know what its like to feel ugly all the time?

Geez

Well I am awake and I should not be awake. I am giving myself the worst habit of staying up later than I should. I really don't like it... but I guess I don't care enough to do anything about it. Why are people stupid like that. I know there are a lot of people who get to sleep at a good hour, but that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about bad habits. We all have them. Every single person in the world has one. And I don't think that I am exaggerating that much if at all. Why do we do these things? Why is it so ingrained in our nature to build bad habits and tear down good habits. It seems to me that getting a bad habit is like getting hungry, you want to do something, even if it isn't wise, and you do it. It is the same as getting hungry and then satisfying that hunger. It is so... well I don't know right now it is just stupid that we cant seem to control ourselves that much. Why cant I just go to sleep at a good hour? Why cant I stick to going to the gym for more than a couple of months at a time? Why does it seem that everything that we could do to build ourselves is so much harder than things we can do to destroy ourselves.
What is a habit anyway? Why do people get this act into themselves and then find it almost uncomfortable to do it? Even for good habits, after doing them for so long, why do we feel unfulfilled when we don't do it for a bit? I truly don't understand why we cant craft ourselves into the people that we want to be, without a never ending list of ridiculously hard things to do, and more importantly keep doing. I guess if I want to know the answer I could look into psychology, but I am not so sure that the answer they give would be satisfying to my curiosity. I just wish that when I was young I would have built those good habits when the bad habits had not yet fully formed. It is so frustrating to look back at your life and thing if only I had known what I know now. How my life would have changed. I guess that is the point of life. They say learn from other peoples mistakes. I don't think that is possible. We never ever learn from other peoples mistakes. To me it is impossible. You might say "but Kendall of course it is possible. How else could you avoid such things as drugs and premarital sex?" Well we don't truly learn from the people who have made these mistakes. Sure we might take something from our observations, but what we really do is take what we see and decide to make a decision of what we observe and how the consequences of our actions may pan out, and that decisions consequences are what truly teach us. We see yes not doing drugs has made it so I am happy. Yes abstaining from sex before marriage does make my life easier. Yes doing service does help me to feel good about myself, and so on and so forth. To me the only way to learn is to act in a way we feel is right and see if that way leads to feelings and situations that we like, and if not then we must make a course correction, and we learn that we either chose correctly or we were wrong and need to choose another path. This is just what I think and what I think changes often, so what I think now may be B.S. to a future me.

To My Daughter

I wake to the sound a small tired voice crying in the other room. I quietly, as not to wake my wife, leave the room and walk down the hall to the baby girls room. I open the door and see her four year old body sitting up in bed quaking.
"Bad dream" she says.
"There there baby girl, I'm here. I'll protect you."
She comes to my arms and I hold her tight. I can see her already beginning to fall back into the silent arms of sleep. I carry her to her bed and softly, ever so softly tuck her in, and sing:
"If you leap awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second
You cant remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star

I believe the light that shines on you
Will shine on your forever
And though I cant guarantee
There's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I'm gonna stand guard
Like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your head

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
Its just like going fishing
You cast your line
And hope you get a bite
But you don't need to waste your time
Worrying about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you"

After she falls asleep I stay and watch as her tiny body takes in each breath, and I marvel that God could have granted a blessing as beautiful and wonderful and this Little Angel to a man such as me.

I may not be the best father, or the funnest, but daughter of mine there will never be a father that loved his daughter as much as I will love you. I promise that. I will do what I need to, to become the father, friend and protector that you need and deserve. You will be loved more than I can ever and will ever be able to express. The love I feel for you now, however far away you might be, is more than I ever thought possible. I love you forever and always my Little Angel.

Well hell....

Wow well I am frustrated with myself. Not for any particular reason either. I just want to know why I haven't done what I needed yet. I don't feel that I am the person that I want to be, and it is really annoying me. I know what kind of person I want to be I just haven't been able to pull it off. The problem isn't that I don't know how to be that person, it is that I haven't got the will power to be that person. I know what I need to do and who I need to become to be that person and yet I find myself lost and unable to bring myself to the next level. I have all the tools even. I know better than most how to make a better me, and that is half out of luck as it is. I know all I must do and how to do it, now I just have to act, which is the hardest part of all. Knowing is the easy part, as it always is, but acting is the part where we all get hung up on and lose a part of our self. Just act.

Light

There is a pressure that consumes all and takes all. It is indestructible and will never die. It will always be present. It will always destroy. It has all-consuming power. It will destroy you if you posses it, and it will take no prisoners. It is darkness. It is deceit. It is hate. It is forever. It is evil. There is one exception to this ever destroying entity, light. We have the power within us to keep back the darkness, to keep it at bay. It is within us to be a light. We are what the darkness feeds on, but we are also the bane of the darkness. It cannot exist where there is light, where there is goodness. It has no power over the light we all hold in us. It is our decision to show that light or to cover the light and bring the blackness. Goodness is the window to let the light of Christ into our life. Through service we let the light of Christ into ours and those around us lives. We are the window to heaven where the is no other way to reach Godliness. We have that power. To bring heaven and angels to earth and make this mortal sphere our own heaven. It may not be perfect and heaven but it the step we must all take in the never ending existence of progression. There is no way around it. We must bring the love of God which is Christ to the earth through our actions to obtain a celestial being. This is the point of our life on earth, to become all that we can and show our Lord that we are willing and able to progress and become all.