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Monday, October 12, 2009

Well hell....

Wow well I am frustrated with myself. Not for any particular reason either. I just want to know why I haven't done what I needed yet. I don't feel that I am the person that I want to be, and it is really annoying me. I know what kind of person I want to be I just haven't been able to pull it off. The problem isn't that I don't know how to be that person, it is that I haven't got the will power to be that person. I know what I need to do and who I need to become to be that person and yet I find myself lost and unable to bring myself to the next level. I have all the tools even. I know better than most how to make a better me, and that is half out of luck as it is. I know all I must do and how to do it, now I just have to act, which is the hardest part of all. Knowing is the easy part, as it always is, but acting is the part where we all get hung up on and lose a part of our self. Just act.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Light

There is a pressure that consumes all and takes all. It is indestructible and will never die. It will always be present. It will always destroy. It has all-consuming power. It will destroy you if you posses it, and it will take no prisoners. It is darkness. It is deceit. It is hate. It is forever. It is evil. There is one exception to this ever destroying entity, light. We have the power within us to keep back the darkness, to keep it at bay. It is within us to be a light. We are what the darkness feeds on, but we are also the bane of the darkness. It cannot exist where there is light, where there is goodness. It has no power over the light we all hold in us. It is our decision to show that light or to cover the light and bring the blackness. Goodness is the window to let the light of Christ into our life. Through service we let the light of Christ into ours and those around us lives. We are the window to heaven where the is no other way to reach Godliness. We have that power. To bring heaven and angels to earth and make this mortal sphere our own heaven. It may not be perfect and heaven but it the step we must all take in the never ending existence of progression. There is no way around it. We must bring the love of God which is Christ to the earth through our actions to obtain a celestial being. This is the point of our life on earth, to become all that we can and show our Lord that we are willing and able to progress and become all.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

I feel so conflicted and hurt all the time. It is so frustrating. I can barely stand it. I don't really know what I am saying I just know I cant hold it in anymore. I feel as if I am going to explode and become part of the cosmos. I feel as if my body is rejecting my heart and my heart is fighting back and I am the one who gets the feeling of pain. I want to do whats right for everyone but I cant, it seems. I can only do so much. I can only help someone so much and be there for them so much. I know its not fair to them or to me but what can you do when there are so many things asked of you? I want to be helpful to those who are hurt but when you have to be in absolute control it is hard. I cant let the part of me win who would turn around and hurt someone else. There is a battle in me between two very equal parts. One part is a fiercer fighter but the other is a bigger and uses that size to keep the smaller part down. If I could just align these two factions of my being then I could be at peace, but there seems to be no peace. It has eluded me for so long that I feel it will never come and I will eventually be an old man who never knows what would have made him peaceful. I am so sorry to all those I have hurt and continue to hurt. If there was a way to make everyone happy I would. If only to appease my selfish desire for peace and happiness. I am sorry.