Do you...

I stretch myself across the world
Pushing my limits
For your entertainment and
You had the nerve
To call out my weakness and
drag me through the dirt
Do you know what its like to feel ugly all the time?

Geez

Well I am awake and I should not be awake. I am giving myself the worst habit of staying up later than I should. I really don't like it... but I guess I don't care enough to do anything about it. Why are people stupid like that. I know there are a lot of people who get to sleep at a good hour, but that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about bad habits. We all have them. Every single person in the world has one. And I don't think that I am exaggerating that much if at all. Why do we do these things? Why is it so ingrained in our nature to build bad habits and tear down good habits. It seems to me that getting a bad habit is like getting hungry, you want to do something, even if it isn't wise, and you do it. It is the same as getting hungry and then satisfying that hunger. It is so... well I don't know right now it is just stupid that we cant seem to control ourselves that much. Why cant I just go to sleep at a good hour? Why cant I stick to going to the gym for more than a couple of months at a time? Why does it seem that everything that we could do to build ourselves is so much harder than things we can do to destroy ourselves.
What is a habit anyway? Why do people get this act into themselves and then find it almost uncomfortable to do it? Even for good habits, after doing them for so long, why do we feel unfulfilled when we don't do it for a bit? I truly don't understand why we cant craft ourselves into the people that we want to be, without a never ending list of ridiculously hard things to do, and more importantly keep doing. I guess if I want to know the answer I could look into psychology, but I am not so sure that the answer they give would be satisfying to my curiosity. I just wish that when I was young I would have built those good habits when the bad habits had not yet fully formed. It is so frustrating to look back at your life and thing if only I had known what I know now. How my life would have changed. I guess that is the point of life. They say learn from other peoples mistakes. I don't think that is possible. We never ever learn from other peoples mistakes. To me it is impossible. You might say "but Kendall of course it is possible. How else could you avoid such things as drugs and premarital sex?" Well we don't truly learn from the people who have made these mistakes. Sure we might take something from our observations, but what we really do is take what we see and decide to make a decision of what we observe and how the consequences of our actions may pan out, and that decisions consequences are what truly teach us. We see yes not doing drugs has made it so I am happy. Yes abstaining from sex before marriage does make my life easier. Yes doing service does help me to feel good about myself, and so on and so forth. To me the only way to learn is to act in a way we feel is right and see if that way leads to feelings and situations that we like, and if not then we must make a course correction, and we learn that we either chose correctly or we were wrong and need to choose another path. This is just what I think and what I think changes often, so what I think now may be B.S. to a future me.

To My Daughter

I wake to the sound a small tired voice crying in the other room. I quietly, as not to wake my wife, leave the room and walk down the hall to the baby girls room. I open the door and see her four year old body sitting up in bed quaking.
"Bad dream" she says.
"There there baby girl, I'm here. I'll protect you."
She comes to my arms and I hold her tight. I can see her already beginning to fall back into the silent arms of sleep. I carry her to her bed and softly, ever so softly tuck her in, and sing:
"If you leap awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second
You cant remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star

I believe the light that shines on you
Will shine on your forever
And though I cant guarantee
There's nothing scary hiding under your bed
I'm gonna stand guard
Like a postcard of a Golden Retriever
And never leave till I leave you
With a sweet dream in your head

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

Trust your intuition
Its just like going fishing
You cast your line
And hope you get a bite
But you don't need to waste your time
Worrying about the market place
Try to help the human race
Struggling to survive its harshest night

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you"

After she falls asleep I stay and watch as her tiny body takes in each breath, and I marvel that God could have granted a blessing as beautiful and wonderful and this Little Angel to a man such as me.

I may not be the best father, or the funnest, but daughter of mine there will never be a father that loved his daughter as much as I will love you. I promise that. I will do what I need to, to become the father, friend and protector that you need and deserve. You will be loved more than I can ever and will ever be able to express. The love I feel for you now, however far away you might be, is more than I ever thought possible. I love you forever and always my Little Angel.

Well hell....

Wow well I am frustrated with myself. Not for any particular reason either. I just want to know why I haven't done what I needed yet. I don't feel that I am the person that I want to be, and it is really annoying me. I know what kind of person I want to be I just haven't been able to pull it off. The problem isn't that I don't know how to be that person, it is that I haven't got the will power to be that person. I know what I need to do and who I need to become to be that person and yet I find myself lost and unable to bring myself to the next level. I have all the tools even. I know better than most how to make a better me, and that is half out of luck as it is. I know all I must do and how to do it, now I just have to act, which is the hardest part of all. Knowing is the easy part, as it always is, but acting is the part where we all get hung up on and lose a part of our self. Just act.

Light

There is a pressure that consumes all and takes all. It is indestructible and will never die. It will always be present. It will always destroy. It has all-consuming power. It will destroy you if you posses it, and it will take no prisoners. It is darkness. It is deceit. It is hate. It is forever. It is evil. There is one exception to this ever destroying entity, light. We have the power within us to keep back the darkness, to keep it at bay. It is within us to be a light. We are what the darkness feeds on, but we are also the bane of the darkness. It cannot exist where there is light, where there is goodness. It has no power over the light we all hold in us. It is our decision to show that light or to cover the light and bring the blackness. Goodness is the window to let the light of Christ into our life. Through service we let the light of Christ into ours and those around us lives. We are the window to heaven where the is no other way to reach Godliness. We have that power. To bring heaven and angels to earth and make this mortal sphere our own heaven. It may not be perfect and heaven but it the step we must all take in the never ending existence of progression. There is no way around it. We must bring the love of God which is Christ to the earth through our actions to obtain a celestial being. This is the point of our life on earth, to become all that we can and show our Lord that we are willing and able to progress and become all.

I feel so conflicted and hurt all the time. It is so frustrating. I can barely stand it. I don't really know what I am saying I just know I cant hold it in anymore. I feel as if I am going to explode and become part of the cosmos. I feel as if my body is rejecting my heart and my heart is fighting back and I am the one who gets the feeling of pain. I want to do whats right for everyone but I cant, it seems. I can only do so much. I can only help someone so much and be there for them so much. I know its not fair to them or to me but what can you do when there are so many things asked of you? I want to be helpful to those who are hurt but when you have to be in absolute control it is hard. I cant let the part of me win who would turn around and hurt someone else. There is a battle in me between two very equal parts. One part is a fiercer fighter but the other is a bigger and uses that size to keep the smaller part down. If I could just align these two factions of my being then I could be at peace, but there seems to be no peace. It has eluded me for so long that I feel it will never come and I will eventually be an old man who never knows what would have made him peaceful. I am so sorry to all those I have hurt and continue to hurt. If there was a way to make everyone happy I would. If only to appease my selfish desire for peace and happiness. I am sorry.

Understand

Why cant anyone understand what is going on? Why cant people see into every ones intents and decide if what they do is selfish or unjust? How could things be unequal then? How could we not see good people and gather around them knowing that whatever they do it will be for our good or for the good of all. Is this what makes God a god? Is it his ability to know why people do things? Is it to always do the right for all even if that hurts an individual? Is it his calculating ability to plan out all that is going to happen and make it so? I so wish that I could show people my intentions and let them know I try hard to do things that seem fair. Fair to all. But we really cant do that. We cant know what is going to happen so we cant do what is best for all. We just cant do what will bring everyone happiness in the end. We can only do what we feel will bring us happiness. True happiness not this fake feeling that is ever fleeting that leaves us craving more. Not that happiness but the happiness that never leaves us wanting but always stays feeling enough and feeling full. This is what we need and it will never happen unless we can ask with a sincere heart what is fair to me and fair to my God. I never intend to be unfair but only to do what will make me and my God happy.
In this life there is no unwavering happiness. Everything is fleeting but one. That is peace. Peace is the only thing that we can have that is ours and cant be taken away. Peace that we have done what is right and that what we are is who we are supposed to be. Even that isn't how we can obtain peace. We can just go to the road that God has created for us and follow it and we will have peace. Always moving forward with faith. Moving to godliness. That is peace. And through faith we have peace.
Sometimes we lose sight of that, and we have to rectify our mistake, even at the cost of others. That is the price of losing that path. We lose the right to have what we want for a time. Until we can faithfully say that our will is Gods will we cant have everything we want.